waves

GAHHHH Grief is so weird, gahhhhhhhh fuuuuuuck. i'm at work and i just saw talked to the manager and he brought up an email I hadn't responded to. I explained I experienced a loss in my life and i almost started crying. I'm weepy now. gotta get it together, I am at work. It comes in waves.

I cried in the bathroom but pulled it together:

see

A part of me can't understand why I am crying so much. It's so unexpected. I was crying last week too. I felt almost normal yesterday. I hadn't seen Aric in 7 years. We broke up 15 years ago. We did keep in touch until the end. If either of us really needed each other we'd show up or at least I picked up the phone. A part of me feels like I'm a fraud or something though. Like who am I to cry? Like I wasn't the one who had to see him be dead. (his girlfriend is a saint and we will build her monuments) Turns out I loved him very hard. It was that first funnel of love.

Over heard just now at work, "I think I have snapchat, I down loaded it the last time we were together but I deleted it."

I was eaves-dropping. My whole life until this moment I thought it was Eve's dropping.

Turns out Aric and I talked about having kids, I wrote about it Feb 25th, 2001. I had totally forgotten but Eve was the girl name we had (I'd) picked out. I always wanted to have a kid. I did it too. I have a son who is 12 now.

The last time I saw Aric he cried at me. "It was supposed to be mine. You were supposed to be mine, it was supposed to be my baby." I just thought he was drunk, but he really wasn't. 

The bartender told me I had made a good choice.

April 20, 2013 ~ the last time i saw

Aric. It was almost like I knew I took

a series of selfies like this

The last time I saw him, though it doesn't feel that long ago, he looked at me and immediately started crying and said, "You look so old." I knew he thought I looked beautiful. He fumbled in is pocked and offered me an 8 ball. I don't really like cocaine and I turned him down. Drugs treated him different. Uppers helped him calm down he'd say.  He'd always been looking for the combo to get him out of pain. 

I did have a super soft spot for him, it's hard to watch someone you love suffer. He never would hold out drugs on me though. He was generous. I hate nothing more than hanging out with people who are on some sort of trip and don't offer to share. . . those are no friends of mine. (another red-flag from the last guy I briefly tried to date).

super sidenote:

i want to feel good in my body. ME ME ME. today that means sitting like a lion. embodying big cat. ooo and scorpion. Authentic movement. I learned that while studying Bodywork at the Boulder College of Massage Therapy. It was such an amazing educational experience. We had movement classes with teachers from the Dance Therapy program at Naropa. It was very cool and that makes me like 3 or 4 degrees away from Allen Ginsberg (maybe)!

goodness baby allen ginsberg was a babe! idh

My friend  just stopped in to get a massage as I was posting that photo and told me about the movie Fried Shoes Cooked Diamonds which is about the Boulder/Naropa/Beat scene in the 70's. I'm going to watch it tonight.

Today was one of those first spring days. I pulled my DVD's out from the garage because I've been craving a watch of one of my favorite movies American Movie and it's not streaming anywhere, but it's so great.

I first watched this movie with Aric. I loved it right away. The characters! Mighty was from Wisconsin too, Manitowoc. My son's paternal grandpa is from Manitowoc too. Small world huh? I used to tell Aric to talk to Wisconsin to me. I guess I'm a sucker for an accent.