these words are everything (spells)

Listen to THIS too.

what's important?

I'm asking myself this today

When I asked my friend she said be calm, optimistic and proactive. Letting go of fear. 

My paternal grandparents met in England during World War II in England at a dance. My grandma Barbara Ann was born in Bromley Kent. She wanted out of there. There were bombings. She told me she didn't care if it was a Canadian or an American, who ever would get her out. Walter George Palmer really fell for her. South Dakota wasn't as romantic as Hollywood had made the Wild West in the cowboy flicks. She couldn't even buy a dress she loved. She didn't know why she kept having babies. I remember one day I was talking about finding "the one" and my Grandma said it was probably too late for her. Walt loved her very good though. Then she said she mean. She could be very Queen of Swords. Words cut. Like swords.

You know the story of the Keep Calm Carry on poster? My Grandma never mentioned it but she saw it. She would have seen it. It was war propaganda from the British government from 1939.  They were getting bombed but the message from state was keep calm, carry on. I can't help but thinking of it today. Out in the world. The energy is less than calm. It's hard to find the calm, but this isn't as bad as getting bombed right?! That's what my Grandma lived through.

Today I will work on cultivating my day dreaming practice. What do I want? What feels important? What does self care look like? What stories are we writing? Are we breathing?

tripping

For Christmas 2000 we went to Kauai. My Grandpa got a time share in Kapaa. We had 2 rooms for 1 week a year and we inherited it when he passed. We would go for Christmas sometimes and Aric came with us. My Dad was not happy, he threatened to have the boys sleep in one room and the girls in another but ended up having me and Aric stay in a room with my sister. I asked my sister about if she remembered and she said, "Ya that was weird trip. I just remember kissing noises." Ha!

I had gone to the Northwest first for a few days and then flown with my family from Portland. Aric was going to meet us there. He payed so much for a flight. It stressed him out. He parked in the regular garage at the Airport and that was hundreds of dollars too.

When we found Aric at the airport

I had completely forgotten but I wrote: "Aric got lost on the way to Kauai because he missed his flight out of LAX because of fog. It was crazy. On te 26th we found Aric then went boogie boarding."

It was before cell phones really and so we couldn't call each other, it was a stressful beginning to the trip. We had to just keep going to the airport when a flight from LAX came in.

After snorkling. I love how happy Aric looks.

12/27

"We went to Salt Pond Park and Snorkel + looked at fishes. The salt water stings my eyes. We saw big fishes and small fishes and those long fishes. And Aric is being Stupid. We were all supposed to go on a sunset cruise but something got fucked up so we've been sitting around arguing. Must be the oxygen or something."

December 30 "Yesterday we went on the Nae Pali - sunset cruise. It was fun but Aric + I fought about nothing in particular. That was lame."

010101

"It's New Years Yeah! Today I'm starting morning pages. Last night Mom, Dad, Mara + Mighty + I went to the Flying Lobster. We had a nice dinner + came home. Just chilled. No Mighty drank a bunch of Wine + Champagne. Enough to get drunk. me and Mara didn't. Then we hop scotched into a discussion of religion. Lame. Mighty told me his beliefs --> No god --> energy --> he doesn't know --> but people shared his beliefs and I --> fuck upedly said "Who heroin addicts?" Who am I to use that world. I don't even know what that means. he said an hour later after standing at the edge of "his sea" Anyway it's all worked out now. I don't know if it'll work. I don't know. Sometimes he is so distant + cold but he doesn't remember that part. We'll figure it out I think. . . . . Aric is being really Ugh right now. He's fake smiling. Like I can't tell when he's fake smiling."

 Aric yelling into "his ocean" on NYE

NYE

I didn't keep up with morning pages. I did it for a couple of days. I also wrote about how fat i was every day. It's like an annoying broken record and I wasn't even fat. I told a friend, who knew us then, and she was like of course, he was small. I never thought how I compared myself to him. 

I honestly didn't remember much from that trip. I think Aric was pretty uncomfortable being with my family. I was too. 

sick day

Stayed home with the kid today cause he was sick. . . I really hope I don't get it.

A tummy bug. The last time I had a that was in 2002. I was working at Starbucks and I came in and they said, "You look bad, go home." and I did. I was so sick, I felt like dying.  It was a Tuesday and Aric was putting the paper to bed. He worked at the Onion and Tuesdays were the day they sent everything to the printer. He came and brought me supplies, even though it was hard to get away. Tuesdays were late days and if anything went wrong it would could be a long night.

9/11 was a Tuesday too. I remember watching the news waiting for Aric to get home from work.

engaged

Growing up my mom had a very clear life plan for me. Finish school, go to college, get married and have kids if I want to. She would have me repeat that all the time. So when I moved in with Aric I made it pretty clear I wanted to get married. It's the plan.

Aric and I got engaged on Christmas of 2003. It wasn't a grand proposal. After we open presents he went to the back room and brought out the ring. I had picked it out and I honestly don't remember if he said anything at all, I think he just handed it to me and I knew what that meant.

I wrote "Got engaged! Yup-Aric got me a beautiful ring for Christmas. he's such a doll. Boys are boys that's for sure."  

I was 23. Such a baby. . . I wonder what I meant by boys are boys. I was following the plan. I loved him so you get married. Aric made me laugh and was so smart. He was worldly to me. He introduced me to so much. So much art and so many new kinds of foods. So many firsts with him.

Another sidenote from Aric last year. I notice now it doesn't say anything about his heart though. . .

Often I would just think about him and then he'd start messaging me. I barely engaged in conversation recently because it was all over the place. He'd be ranting about guns or how he didn't give me aids or how he wasn't my kid's dad. Talking about swarms and dying. Everything was the worst. Everything hurt. Life was a prison. Pain, pain, pain. I'd respond with happy little quotes or a suicide hotline but I didn't even really read them. Oh it's 3:30am, he's fucked up. There's a bunch of jibber jabber not even words.

Over all those many years, in hindsight, no one ever loved me more and I didn't really listen to him. I did the best I could with what I knew but it wasn't great.

sleepy full moon

i had such a busy day, i'm so tired. there's a really fun party and i don't think i have the energy. 

i found my the next journal that documented the end of Aric's and my relationship. 

spring wellness

Happy day light savings. It felt like Spring today. It's amazing how much difference a little Vitamin D can make. I also took some Happy Camper Pills and that never hurts.

It's Saturday night and I'm staying home to Spring clean and I'm making Vegan Pozole. 

I was rereading one of my favorite reference books Staying Healthy with the Seasons. It's from a Traditional Chinese Medicine tradition and how to use this ancient knowledge to build our wellness. I'm also studying Quantum Shiatsu right now, which works with the meridians, so it's a good practice for me.

The element for Spring is Wood. The organs (and meridians) associated with the Wood element are Liver and Gallbladder. The direction is east, where the sun comes up and starts the day. The time of the day is morning, so if you are having a hard time rising you might have a Wood imbalance. I think we all know the Liver helps us detoxify and it makes the bile that is held in the Gallbladder. Bile breaks down fats so not eating a lot of fatty food can support Gallbladder. Doing a cleanse of some sort can help Liver. The Master Cleanse works really well for me but even just laying of chemical foods for a while and eating whole foods can support your Liver. Just like Spring Cleaning is good for the house, it's good for your body too. Fasting is good for you:

watch this if you don't believe me

Mental processes are associated with Spring and Wood in TCM. So over thinking or trying to control everything you might indicate an imbalance. Great time for starting a mindfulness or meditation practice. I've been meditating to every night with the app Insight Timer. 

✌

girls grief gone wild

Driving to work today I drove down 8th Ave. From 8th if you take a left on Fox St you'll be at the house Aric and I bought together June 20th, 2003. I lost my shit. This grief man, it comes in waves, I felt almost normal yesterday but raw again today.

740 Fox St

It was build a duplex in 1900. Someone along the way cut doors in the walls in the front living spaces and back rooms to make it one circular dwelling.  A white picket fence! I loved that it had a white picket fence.

There were 2 front doors though and the door on the right was my massage office. It was really perfect having a dedicated space with it's own entrance for my bodywork practice that was beautiful. Bright light, faux fire place and ceiling fans. I got ones with fan blades like leaves so it had an island vibe. I painted it a sweet yellow. I had a fountain and a seating space. It a really lovely happy big space.

The other door went into our living room/dining room. The fireplace on this side was different. It had green tiles and at one point I painted it red around the tiles. One day when I was sitting on the ground stretching and a black spider started charging right for me. (sidenote: Aric never killed spiders. He always said that if he got into trouble all the spiders would come save him.) This spider was coming right for me and I was scared. I killed it. It was a black widow. I saved it in a glass to show Aric. I had it in a glass until I moved out.

Aric wasn't good at taking care of himself. I on the other hand am a nurturer. He didn't keep normal hours, drank and smoked and rarely met an illicit substance that didn't peak his interest. I would get him to brush his teeth and remember to eat. I'd sometimes wake up in the morning and find him passed out over his keyboard, Moog or Apple. He was a graphic artist, made Drum & Base music and started Destroyer internet radio project. (He said he made an album for me, but he never gave it to me. His DJ name was Crown. I tried to look up his music online and only found it on a Russian site and I couldn't figure out buying it. I did find THIS SONG.) We created the Drama Triangle because we didn't know any better. I didn't learn about that until therapy.

I don't have too many pictures from this time because well I don't. Things were up and down. Cellphone camera's weren't really a thing and I wasn't on any social media. Aric probably had Myspace but it wasn't really a thing yet. There have to be some out there somewhere. . . I found some discs from walgreens but my computer won't read them.

NYE on the porch

I drive by that turn every week on the way to work. Today though I thought about this message Aric sent me last year:

That time still exists. I thought of us happy there with our white picket fence as I drove by and I couldn't hold it together. Those us's that were best friends are there. That love still exists. Now and always. That unconditional love. I keep crying. I'm crying again now. 

I got it together for work. Except for when this song came on

magic

turns out when i was 20 i couldn't spell magic

white women and their essential oils

it's MEEEEEEEE!

I'm working again today thank god. I run chair massage in three Whole Foods. I went to massage school in 2000 and graduated in 2001 and started doing chair massage in Whole Foods in February 2002. It was my first massage job. I was so excited. I took it over in 2003. Aric really helped me figure out a lot of things to do with the business. Well he was a graphic artist so he made my logo. He helped me figure out printing checks. Doing 1099's.

Richard (mighty's dad), me & mighty at Massage Graduation

They teach essential oils in massage school. I own multiple books on essential oils.  I'm not a certified aromatherapist but I do read research. The research says some essential oils that are antibacterial, anti-fungal and antiviral. So do I think essential oils will cure you of anything, no but it IS possible they can be preventative. And they smells good. . . . to meeee. 

*sidenote: I just got a text from my Quantum Shiatsu Teacher: 

I had forgotten I had study group today and turns 

out I can be a flake from time to time. Saved by the violence.

This song is playing in Whole Foods

With the Coronavirus scare Whole Foods is out of hand sanitizer. So many people came looking for it today. More people came looking for hand sanitizer than came for a massage. (Research shows touch is good for your immunity too.) You can make your own people, I'd add some add some antiviral essential oils. I add them to my cleaner. Worst case scenario it smells better.

I do have a pain in my heart. A woo woo client who get's pings from "god" asked me yesterday what was going on with my heart, I was like well I'm definitely feeling heart broken. . . Aric had a broken heart too. They say it was an undiagnosed heart condition that let him go, in his sleep. That's how I want to go in bed, in my sleep, next to someone I love that loves me back. Knowing that's how he went does bring me some peace.

That's how my aunt went. Auntie Ann went out partying with friends one night and came home and passed out in bed. She kind of fell out and my uncle put her back to sleep and he sat down in the chair by the bed and he fell asleep too. When he woke up she was gone. Mighty and I had had one night of smoking my aunts pot with her, when she told us between you, me and the fence post stories. When I told Mighty about how she passed he loved it. He thought it was the best way to go.

*sidenote: i taught palmer recently "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." He was saying something not nice to me, I can't remember exactly what he was saying. It wasn't mean it was just kind of a burn. Should that be a rule? Have I just heard that idiom so often is sounds true? Maybe sometimes you need to say something that isn't nice. . . 

waves

GAHHHH Grief is so weird, gahhhhhhhh fuuuuuuck. i'm at work and i just saw talked to the manager and he brought up an email I hadn't responded to. I explained I experienced a loss in my life and i almost started crying. I'm weepy now. gotta get it together, I am at work. It comes in waves.

I cried in the bathroom but pulled it together:

see

A part of me can't understand why I am crying so much. It's so unexpected. I was crying last week too. I felt almost normal yesterday. I hadn't seen Aric in 7 years. We broke up 15 years ago. We did keep in touch until the end. If either of us really needed each other we'd show up or at least I picked up the phone. A part of me feels like I'm a fraud or something though. Like who am I to cry? Like I wasn't the one who had to see him be dead. (his girlfriend is a saint and we will build her monuments) Turns out I loved him very hard. It was that first funnel of love.

Over heard just now at work, "I think I have snapchat, I down loaded it the last time we were together but I deleted it."

I was eaves-dropping. My whole life until this moment I thought it was Eve's dropping.

Turns out Aric and I talked about having kids, I wrote about it Feb 25th, 2001. I had totally forgotten but Eve was the girl name we had (I'd) picked out. I always wanted to have a kid. I did it too. I have a son who is 12 now.

The last time I saw Aric he cried at me. "It was supposed to be mine. You were supposed to be mine, it was supposed to be my baby." I just thought he was drunk, but he really wasn't. 

The bartender told me I had made a good choice.

April 20, 2013 ~ the last time i saw

Aric. It was almost like I knew I took

a series of selfies like this

The last time I saw him, though it doesn't feel that long ago, he looked at me and immediately started crying and said, "You look so old." I knew he thought I looked beautiful. He fumbled in is pocked and offered me an 8 ball. I don't really like cocaine and I turned him down. Drugs treated him different. Uppers helped him calm down he'd say.  He'd always been looking for the combo to get him out of pain. 

I did have a super soft spot for him, it's hard to watch someone you love suffer. He never would hold out drugs on me though. He was generous. I hate nothing more than hanging out with people who are on some sort of trip and don't offer to share. . . those are no friends of mine. (another red-flag from the last guy I briefly tried to date).

super sidenote:

i want to feel good in my body. ME ME ME. today that means sitting like a lion. embodying big cat. ooo and scorpion. Authentic movement. I learned that while studying Bodywork at the Boulder College of Massage Therapy. It was such an amazing educational experience. We had movement classes with teachers from the Dance Therapy program at Naropa. It was very cool and that makes me like 3 or 4 degrees away from Allen Ginsberg (maybe)!

goodness baby allen ginsberg was a babe! idh

My friend  just stopped in to get a massage as I was posting that photo and told me about the movie Fried Shoes Cooked Diamonds which is about the Boulder/Naropa/Beat scene in the 70's. I'm going to watch it tonight.

Today was one of those first spring days. I pulled my DVD's out from the garage because I've been craving a watch of one of my favorite movies American Movie and it's not streaming anywhere, but it's so great.

I first watched this movie with Aric. I loved it right away. The characters! Mighty was from Wisconsin too, Manitowoc. My son's paternal grandpa is from Manitowoc too. Small world huh? I used to tell Aric to talk to Wisconsin to me. I guess I'm a sucker for an accent. 

meeting mighty

With hindsight being 20/20 and all seeing red-flags from 2000 is easy now but I definitely didn't see them when I was 20 though.

Jan 20th 2000, I met my roommate as she got off work at Old Chicago's. She would serve me booze there so then everyone served me booze there. No one ever questioned my age, I was just in. She had recently started dating a guy that worked there and he was there partying with his roommates too.

I was bouncing around having a great time. Some cute guy that worked there invited us to a hot tub party. I went up to my roommate and told her hot tub party! Let's go! Her dude's roommate Mighty overheard this and not to be outdone said, "I've got rails if you want to come back to our place." Jen spent a moment considering the options and decided on the rails. I came upon a fork in the road and possibly frolicked in the wrong direction, but as my Grandpa told me, "It doesn't matter which road you choose, you always learn something." 

We made our way back to their place. It was a house on Monroe St and they called themselves the Kings of Monroe. It had the biggest evergreen tree in their front yard. It towering over every other tree on the block. Being from Oregon, I laughed. I didn't remember ever seeing such a big evergreen tree in Denver. We stumbled in and made our way down to the basement. His room was was dark and dirty. He chain smoked inside. He laid out the rails and I tooted one right up, but wait, this wasn't coke. It burned different. It tasted different. It felt different. It was different. It was meth*. We had made a false assumption about these rails. 

I went home but then talked on the phone to mighty until the sun came up. I was twitter-pated. . . good lord girl.

Mighty & Me in the basement

I did not finishing learning these lessons then and I'm still getting clear Sometimes you want to wear rose colored glasses. . . . then the red flags look like regular flags. Even with hindsight I wouldn't change being with Aric, I just wish I knew then what I know now.

see, them's just regular flags!

Another example, 7 years ago I met a very good looking guy at a party, he asked me out and when he came over to pick me up for a date he asked if I wanted to do some lines. "DUDE, it's 7 on a Monday. No, I don't want to do lines and you need to leave." I had it right for a second but he apologized, he just had it left over from the party and I relented. Hindsight: It was not just left over from the party. Coke was not the only drug on which he depended. 6 months later I cried and clawed myself out of that relationship but not before he royally fucked up my car. I regret that car thing so much.

I'm getting better at it though! My most recent attempt at dating, I clearly saw the red-flags and it only took 3 months to knock it off. Onward and upward.

*sidenote: it wasn't my first time with speed, I had had a creepy Filipino landlord introduce me to it a couple years prior, but that's a whole different red-flag story. 

Aric's last words to me in November were a sidenote

mighty me

March of me. Marching to the beat of me. mememememememe. . . it's me me me. me me. I might have to make a meme about it.

Might be month of March processing Mighty. . . he passed. I've never been so close to someone on the other side even though he was my ex from long ago.

I found my journal from when I met Mighty (Aric) in January 2000. I was 20. We met on the 20th but I didn't write about it until "Jan 23 well really 24 by an hour forty five."

There are some parts that make me cringe a little and this next line is #1 cringe worthy: "Blues Traveler is the week of the music. Music of the week. Good." I was not sober. Sober Abby did not say this.

"Goodness, Mighty a maybe came into my life through a big chance" A MAYBE?!? Wonder how Aric would have felt about being a maybe. And the "big chance" was that his roommate and my roommate worked together at Old Chicago's on Market Street and had recently started boning.

"I don't know - time will tell. Does it being perfect exist I believe soo." Time will tell. It is not perfect.

"I see the future Today!" I don't remember that, I wish you would have elaborated.

"I can feel the artist pumping through my bod again!" It's funny an artist had been pumping through my bod earlier but that's not what I meant.  I was talking about ME. me me me. . . I was feeling inspired. Mighty was a brilliant artist.

"YES THANK GOODNESS!" (more embarrassment ahead)

"I pray, meditate, What ever today. Please Make me happy. I Believe! I can see. It's WHats for Dinner."

I thought that was it but the whole next page and half is a free flow poem or sorts:

Russell Brand is reading a study to me on Facebook right now about love, or questions to ask if it is real love or not. . .   and said "How intense are your emotions? People high in attachment anxiety, people that question their own self worth in relationships. Tend to experience a high degree of passion when romance is budding." Intense emotions huh? I didn't know about attachment theory then. I didn't even learn about attachment theory until a few years ago in therapy. Definitively a part of this era. Definitely.

So ya, I'm taking a walk down memory lane and I miss is my blogger self, I'm going to show up for that side of myself in March. I'm going to show up for the parts of myself I love. I'm going to read books I've been wanting to read. I'm going to write things. I'm going to paint things. I'm going to move my body in ways that feels good. I'm going to sit and meditate or day dream for 21 minutes a day. I'm going to surround myself with things that inspire me. Get enough rest and take care of myself for all of March. I'm marching to my own drum. I'm drumming to the beat of healing. . .

Find this poster at Boldomatic