these words are everything (spells)

Listen to THIS too.

what's important?

I'm asking myself this today

When I asked my friend she said be calm, optimistic and proactive. Letting go of fear. 

My paternal grandparents met in England during World War II in England at a dance. My grandma Barbara Ann was born in Bromley Kent. She wanted out of there. There were bombings. She told me she didn't care if it was a Canadian or an American, who ever would get her out. Walter George Palmer really fell for her. South Dakota wasn't as romantic as Hollywood had made the Wild West in the cowboy flicks. She couldn't even buy a dress she loved. She didn't know why she kept having babies. I remember one day I was talking about finding "the one" and my Grandma said it was probably too late for her. Walt loved her very good though. Then she said she mean. She could be very Queen of Swords. Words cut. Like swords.

You know the story of the Keep Calm Carry on poster? My Grandma never mentioned it but she saw it. She would have seen it. It was war propaganda from the British government from 1939.  They were getting bombed but the message from state was keep calm, carry on. I can't help but thinking of it today. Out in the world. The energy is less than calm. It's hard to find the calm, but this isn't as bad as getting bombed right?! That's what my Grandma lived through.

Today I will work on cultivating my day dreaming practice. What do I want? What feels important? What does self care look like? What stories are we writing? Are we breathing?

tripping

For Christmas 2000 we went to Kauai. My Grandpa got a time share in Kapaa. We had 2 rooms for 1 week a year and we inherited it when he passed. We would go for Christmas sometimes and Aric came with us. My Dad was not happy, he threatened to have the boys sleep in one room and the girls in another but ended up having me and Aric stay in a room with my sister. I asked my sister about if she remembered and she said, "Ya that was weird trip. I just remember kissing noises." Ha!

I had gone to the Northwest first for a few days and then flown with my family from Portland. Aric was going to meet us there. He payed so much for a flight. It stressed him out. He parked in the regular garage at the Airport and that was hundreds of dollars too.

When we found Aric at the airport

I had completely forgotten but I wrote: "Aric got lost on the way to Kauai because he missed his flight out of LAX because of fog. It was crazy. On te 26th we found Aric then went boogie boarding."

It was before cell phones really and so we couldn't call each other, it was a stressful beginning to the trip. We had to just keep going to the airport when a flight from LAX came in.

After snorkling. I love how happy Aric looks.

12/27

"We went to Salt Pond Park and Snorkel + looked at fishes. The salt water stings my eyes. We saw big fishes and small fishes and those long fishes. And Aric is being Stupid. We were all supposed to go on a sunset cruise but something got fucked up so we've been sitting around arguing. Must be the oxygen or something."

December 30 "Yesterday we went on the Nae Pali - sunset cruise. It was fun but Aric + I fought about nothing in particular. That was lame."

010101

"It's New Years Yeah! Today I'm starting morning pages. Last night Mom, Dad, Mara + Mighty + I went to the Flying Lobster. We had a nice dinner + came home. Just chilled. No Mighty drank a bunch of Wine + Champagne. Enough to get drunk. me and Mara didn't. Then we hop scotched into a discussion of religion. Lame. Mighty told me his beliefs --> No god --> energy --> he doesn't know --> but people shared his beliefs and I --> fuck upedly said "Who heroin addicts?" Who am I to use that world. I don't even know what that means. he said an hour later after standing at the edge of "his sea" Anyway it's all worked out now. I don't know if it'll work. I don't know. Sometimes he is so distant + cold but he doesn't remember that part. We'll figure it out I think. . . . . Aric is being really Ugh right now. He's fake smiling. Like I can't tell when he's fake smiling."

 Aric yelling into "his ocean" on NYE

NYE

I didn't keep up with morning pages. I did it for a couple of days. I also wrote about how fat i was every day. It's like an annoying broken record and I wasn't even fat. I told a friend, who knew us then, and she was like of course, he was small. I never thought how I compared myself to him. 

I honestly didn't remember much from that trip. I think Aric was pretty uncomfortable being with my family. I was too. 

sick day

Stayed home with the kid today cause he was sick. . . I really hope I don't get it.

A tummy bug. The last time I had a that was in 2002. I was working at Starbucks and I came in and they said, "You look bad, go home." and I did. I was so sick, I felt like dying.  It was a Tuesday and Aric was putting the paper to bed. He worked at the Onion and Tuesdays were the day they sent everything to the printer. He came and brought me supplies, even though it was hard to get away. Tuesdays were late days and if anything went wrong it would could be a long night.

9/11 was a Tuesday too. I remember watching the news waiting for Aric to get home from work.

engaged

Growing up my mom had a very clear life plan for me. Finish school, go to college, get married and have kids if I want to. She would have me repeat that all the time. So when I moved in with Aric I made it pretty clear I wanted to get married. It's the plan.

Aric and I got engaged on Christmas of 2003. It wasn't a grand proposal. After we open presents he went to the back room and brought out the ring. I had picked it out and I honestly don't remember if he said anything at all, I think he just handed it to me and I knew what that meant.

I wrote "Got engaged! Yup-Aric got me a beautiful ring for Christmas. he's such a doll. Boys are boys that's for sure."  

I was 23. Such a baby. . . I wonder what I meant by boys are boys. I was following the plan. I loved him so you get married. Aric made me laugh and was so smart. He was worldly to me. He introduced me to so much. So much art and so many new kinds of foods. So many firsts with him.

Another sidenote from Aric last year. I notice now it doesn't say anything about his heart though. . .

Often I would just think about him and then he'd start messaging me. I barely engaged in conversation recently because it was all over the place. He'd be ranting about guns or how he didn't give me aids or how he wasn't my kid's dad. Talking about swarms and dying. Everything was the worst. Everything hurt. Life was a prison. Pain, pain, pain. I'd respond with happy little quotes or a suicide hotline but I didn't even really read them. Oh it's 3:30am, he's fucked up. There's a bunch of jibber jabber not even words.

Over all those many years, in hindsight, no one ever loved me more and I didn't really listen to him. I did the best I could with what I knew but it wasn't great.

sleepy full moon

i had such a busy day, i'm so tired. there's a really fun party and i don't think i have the energy. 

i found my the next journal that documented the end of Aric's and my relationship. 

spring wellness

Happy day light savings. It felt like Spring today. It's amazing how much difference a little Vitamin D can make. I also took some Happy Camper Pills and that never hurts.

It's Saturday night and I'm staying home to Spring clean and I'm making Vegan Pozole. 

I was rereading one of my favorite reference books Staying Healthy with the Seasons. It's from a Traditional Chinese Medicine tradition and how to use this ancient knowledge to build our wellness. I'm also studying Quantum Shiatsu right now, which works with the meridians, so it's a good practice for me.

The element for Spring is Wood. The organs (and meridians) associated with the Wood element are Liver and Gallbladder. The direction is east, where the sun comes up and starts the day. The time of the day is morning, so if you are having a hard time rising you might have a Wood imbalance. I think we all know the Liver helps us detoxify and it makes the bile that is held in the Gallbladder. Bile breaks down fats so not eating a lot of fatty food can support Gallbladder. Doing a cleanse of some sort can help Liver. The Master Cleanse works really well for me but even just laying of chemical foods for a while and eating whole foods can support your Liver. Just like Spring Cleaning is good for the house, it's good for your body too. Fasting is good for you:

watch this if you don't believe me

Mental processes are associated with Spring and Wood in TCM. So over thinking or trying to control everything you might indicate an imbalance. Great time for starting a mindfulness or meditation practice. I've been meditating to every night with the app Insight Timer. 

✌

girls grief gone wild

Driving to work today I drove down 8th Ave. From 8th if you take a left on Fox St you'll be at the house Aric and I bought together June 20th, 2003. I lost my shit. This grief man, it comes in waves, I felt almost normal yesterday but raw again today.

740 Fox St

It was build a duplex in 1900. Someone along the way cut doors in the walls in the front living spaces and back rooms to make it one circular dwelling.  A white picket fence! I loved that it had a white picket fence.

There were 2 front doors though and the door on the right was my massage office. It was really perfect having a dedicated space with it's own entrance for my bodywork practice that was beautiful. Bright light, faux fire place and ceiling fans. I got ones with fan blades like leaves so it had an island vibe. I painted it a sweet yellow. I had a fountain and a seating space. It a really lovely happy big space.

The other door went into our living room/dining room. The fireplace on this side was different. It had green tiles and at one point I painted it red around the tiles. One day when I was sitting on the ground stretching and a black spider started charging right for me. (sidenote: Aric never killed spiders. He always said that if he got into trouble all the spiders would come save him.) This spider was coming right for me and I was scared. I killed it. It was a black widow. I saved it in a glass to show Aric. I had it in a glass until I moved out.

Aric wasn't good at taking care of himself. I on the other hand am a nurturer. He didn't keep normal hours, drank and smoked and rarely met an illicit substance that didn't peak his interest. I would get him to brush his teeth and remember to eat. I'd sometimes wake up in the morning and find him passed out over his keyboard, Moog or Apple. He was a graphic artist, made Drum & Base music and started Destroyer internet radio project. (He said he made an album for me, but he never gave it to me. His DJ name was Crown. I tried to look up his music online and only found it on a Russian site and I couldn't figure out buying it. I did find THIS SONG.) We created the Drama Triangle because we didn't know any better. I didn't learn about that until therapy.

I don't have too many pictures from this time because well I don't. Things were up and down. Cellphone camera's weren't really a thing and I wasn't on any social media. Aric probably had Myspace but it wasn't really a thing yet. There have to be some out there somewhere. . . I found some discs from walgreens but my computer won't read them.

NYE on the porch

I drive by that turn every week on the way to work. Today though I thought about this message Aric sent me last year:

That time still exists. I thought of us happy there with our white picket fence as I drove by and I couldn't hold it together. Those us's that were best friends are there. That love still exists. Now and always. That unconditional love. I keep crying. I'm crying again now. 

I got it together for work. Except for when this song came on

magic

turns out when i was 20 i couldn't spell magic

white women and their essential oils

it's MEEEEEEEE!

I'm working again today thank god. I run chair massage in three Whole Foods. I went to massage school in 2000 and graduated in 2001 and started doing chair massage in Whole Foods in February 2002. It was my first massage job. I was so excited. I took it over in 2003. Aric really helped me figure out a lot of things to do with the business. Well he was a graphic artist so he made my logo. He helped me figure out printing checks. Doing 1099's.

Richard (mighty's dad), me & mighty at Massage Graduation

They teach essential oils in massage school. I own multiple books on essential oils.  I'm not a certified aromatherapist but I do read research. The research says some essential oils that are antibacterial, anti-fungal and antiviral. So do I think essential oils will cure you of anything, no but it IS possible they can be preventative. And they smells good. . . . to meeee. 

*sidenote: I just got a text from my Quantum Shiatsu Teacher: 

I had forgotten I had study group today and turns 

out I can be a flake from time to time. Saved by the violence.

This song is playing in Whole Foods

With the Coronavirus scare Whole Foods is out of hand sanitizer. So many people came looking for it today. More people came looking for hand sanitizer than came for a massage. (Research shows touch is good for your immunity too.) You can make your own people, I'd add some add some antiviral essential oils. I add them to my cleaner. Worst case scenario it smells better.

I do have a pain in my heart. A woo woo client who get's pings from "god" asked me yesterday what was going on with my heart, I was like well I'm definitely feeling heart broken. . . Aric had a broken heart too. They say it was an undiagnosed heart condition that let him go, in his sleep. That's how I want to go in bed, in my sleep, next to someone I love that loves me back. Knowing that's how he went does bring me some peace.

That's how my aunt went. Auntie Ann went out partying with friends one night and came home and passed out in bed. She kind of fell out and my uncle put her back to sleep and he sat down in the chair by the bed and he fell asleep too. When he woke up she was gone. Mighty and I had had one night of smoking my aunts pot with her, when she told us between you, me and the fence post stories. When I told Mighty about how she passed he loved it. He thought it was the best way to go.

*sidenote: i taught palmer recently "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." He was saying something not nice to me, I can't remember exactly what he was saying. It wasn't mean it was just kind of a burn. Should that be a rule? Have I just heard that idiom so often is sounds true? Maybe sometimes you need to say something that isn't nice. . . 

waves

GAHHHH Grief is so weird, gahhhhhhhh fuuuuuuck. i'm at work and i just saw talked to the manager and he brought up an email I hadn't responded to. I explained I experienced a loss in my life and i almost started crying. I'm weepy now. gotta get it together, I am at work. It comes in waves.

I cried in the bathroom but pulled it together:

see

A part of me can't understand why I am crying so much. It's so unexpected. I was crying last week too. I felt almost normal yesterday. I hadn't seen Aric in 7 years. We broke up 15 years ago. We did keep in touch until the end. If either of us really needed each other we'd show up or at least I picked up the phone. A part of me feels like I'm a fraud or something though. Like who am I to cry? Like I wasn't the one who had to see him be dead. (his girlfriend is a saint and we will build her monuments) Turns out I loved him very hard. It was that first funnel of love.

Over heard just now at work, "I think I have snapchat, I down loaded it the last time we were together but I deleted it."

I was eaves-dropping. My whole life until this moment I thought it was Eve's dropping.

Turns out Aric and I talked about having kids, I wrote about it Feb 25th, 2001. I had totally forgotten but Eve was the girl name we had (I'd) picked out. I always wanted to have a kid. I did it too. I have a son who is 12 now.

The last time I saw Aric he cried at me. "It was supposed to be mine. You were supposed to be mine, it was supposed to be my baby." I just thought he was drunk, but he really wasn't. 

The bartender told me I had made a good choice.

April 20, 2013 ~ the last time i saw

Aric. It was almost like I knew I took

a series of selfies like this

The last time I saw him, though it doesn't feel that long ago, he looked at me and immediately started crying and said, "You look so old." I knew he thought I looked beautiful. He fumbled in is pocked and offered me an 8 ball. I don't really like cocaine and I turned him down. Drugs treated him different. Uppers helped him calm down he'd say.  He'd always been looking for the combo to get him out of pain. 

I did have a super soft spot for him, it's hard to watch someone you love suffer. He never would hold out drugs on me though. He was generous. I hate nothing more than hanging out with people who are on some sort of trip and don't offer to share. . . those are no friends of mine. (another red-flag from the last guy I briefly tried to date).

super sidenote:

i want to feel good in my body. ME ME ME. today that means sitting like a lion. embodying big cat. ooo and scorpion. Authentic movement. I learned that while studying Bodywork at the Boulder College of Massage Therapy. It was such an amazing educational experience. We had movement classes with teachers from the Dance Therapy program at Naropa. It was very cool and that makes me like 3 or 4 degrees away from Allen Ginsberg (maybe)!

goodness baby allen ginsberg was a babe! idh

My friend  just stopped in to get a massage as I was posting that photo and told me about the movie Fried Shoes Cooked Diamonds which is about the Boulder/Naropa/Beat scene in the 70's. I'm going to watch it tonight.

Today was one of those first spring days. I pulled my DVD's out from the garage because I've been craving a watch of one of my favorite movies American Movie and it's not streaming anywhere, but it's so great.

I first watched this movie with Aric. I loved it right away. The characters! Mighty was from Wisconsin too, Manitowoc. My son's paternal grandpa is from Manitowoc too. Small world huh? I used to tell Aric to talk to Wisconsin to me. I guess I'm a sucker for an accent. 

meeting mighty

With hindsight being 20/20 and all seeing red-flags from 2000 is easy now but I definitely didn't see them when I was 20 though.

Jan 20th 2000, I met my roommate as she got off work at Old Chicago's. She would serve me booze there so then everyone served me booze there. No one ever questioned my age, I was just in. She had recently started dating a guy that worked there and he was there partying with his roommates too.

I was bouncing around having a great time. Some cute guy that worked there invited us to a hot tub party. I went up to my roommate and told her hot tub party! Let's go! Her dude's roommate Mighty overheard this and not to be outdone said, "I've got rails if you want to come back to our place." Jen spent a moment considering the options and decided on the rails. I came upon a fork in the road and possibly frolicked in the wrong direction, but as my Grandpa told me, "It doesn't matter which road you choose, you always learn something." 

We made our way back to their place. It was a house on Monroe St and they called themselves the Kings of Monroe. It had the biggest evergreen tree in their front yard. It towering over every other tree on the block. Being from Oregon, I laughed. I didn't remember ever seeing such a big evergreen tree in Denver. We stumbled in and made our way down to the basement. His room was was dark and dirty. He chain smoked inside. He laid out the rails and I tooted one right up, but wait, this wasn't coke. It burned different. It tasted different. It felt different. It was different. It was meth*. We had made a false assumption about these rails. 

I went home but then talked on the phone to mighty until the sun came up. I was twitter-pated. . . good lord girl.

Mighty & Me in the basement

I did not finishing learning these lessons then and I'm still getting clear Sometimes you want to wear rose colored glasses. . . . then the red flags look like regular flags. Even with hindsight I wouldn't change being with Aric, I just wish I knew then what I know now.

see, them's just regular flags!

Another example, 7 years ago I met a very good looking guy at a party, he asked me out and when he came over to pick me up for a date he asked if I wanted to do some lines. "DUDE, it's 7 on a Monday. No, I don't want to do lines and you need to leave." I had it right for a second but he apologized, he just had it left over from the party and I relented. Hindsight: It was not just left over from the party. Coke was not the only drug on which he depended. 6 months later I cried and clawed myself out of that relationship but not before he royally fucked up my car. I regret that car thing so much.

I'm getting better at it though! My most recent attempt at dating, I clearly saw the red-flags and it only took 3 months to knock it off. Onward and upward.

*sidenote: it wasn't my first time with speed, I had had a creepy Filipino landlord introduce me to it a couple years prior, but that's a whole different red-flag story. 

Aric's last words to me in November were a sidenote

mighty me

March of me. Marching to the beat of me. mememememememe. . . it's me me me. me me. I might have to make a meme about it.

Might be month of March processing Mighty. . . he passed. I've never been so close to someone on the other side even though he was my ex from long ago.

I found my journal from when I met Mighty (Aric) in January 2000. I was 20. We met on the 20th but I didn't write about it until "Jan 23 well really 24 by an hour forty five."

There are some parts that make me cringe a little and this next line is #1 cringe worthy: "Blues Traveler is the week of the music. Music of the week. Good." I was not sober. Sober Abby did not say this.

"Goodness, Mighty a maybe came into my life through a big chance" A MAYBE?!? Wonder how Aric would have felt about being a maybe. And the "big chance" was that his roommate and my roommate worked together at Old Chicago's on Market Street and had recently started boning.

"I don't know - time will tell. Does it being perfect exist I believe soo." Time will tell. It is not perfect.

"I see the future Today!" I don't remember that, I wish you would have elaborated.

"I can feel the artist pumping through my bod again!" It's funny an artist had been pumping through my bod earlier but that's not what I meant.  I was talking about ME. me me me. . . I was feeling inspired. Mighty was a brilliant artist.

"YES THANK GOODNESS!" (more embarrassment ahead)

"I pray, meditate, What ever today. Please Make me happy. I Believe! I can see. It's WHats for Dinner."

I thought that was it but the whole next page and half is a free flow poem or sorts:

Russell Brand is reading a study to me on Facebook right now about love, or questions to ask if it is real love or not. . .   and said "How intense are your emotions? People high in attachment anxiety, people that question their own self worth in relationships. Tend to experience a high degree of passion when romance is budding." Intense emotions huh? I didn't know about attachment theory then. I didn't even learn about attachment theory until a few years ago in therapy. Definitively a part of this era. Definitely.

So ya, I'm taking a walk down memory lane and I miss is my blogger self, I'm going to show up for that side of myself in March. I'm going to show up for the parts of myself I love. I'm going to read books I've been wanting to read. I'm going to write things. I'm going to paint things. I'm going to move my body in ways that feels good. I'm going to sit and meditate or day dream for 21 minutes a day. I'm going to surround myself with things that inspire me. Get enough rest and take care of myself for all of March. I'm marching to my own drum. I'm drumming to the beat of healing. . .

Find this poster at Boldomatic

let's give legislation a shot

“MTHMG – REM 1” by Ravi Zupa

An open letter to Gun Owners, Congress, President Obama and anyone else that cares:

I think I have the solution, there is a system we can replicate. 

Every Doctor, Nurse, Chiropractor, Acupuncturist and Massage Therapists, like me, have to be educated, licensed and insured.  It seems that if people who try and save lives and Do No Harm are required to jump through these hoops, people who own guns should have to as well.

People who choose to become gun owners will be educated, by taking gun safety class.  An instructor would have to sign off on a minimum hours of education and then the gun owner is certified.  Current gun owners will be grandfathered in with prior experience but after regulations go into effect every person who wants to buy a gun must become certified and pay for the gun safety class.

Every gun must be licensed and registered with the state.  This means gun owners must have back ground check and get finger printed.  A gun's serial number will be registered to the owner and they are responsible for what happens with this gun.  This fees collected will go directly to veteran’s benefits in each state. 

Every gun owner must carry liability insurance for their gun.  My insurance as a massage therapist is $200 a year.  I think that is a fair amount because the guns that kill people should pay.  It would be like life insurance for the person your gun may kill.

There will be a grace period of 90 days once the legislation goes into effect.  Licenses must be renewed every 2 years.  If you are caught with a gun without being licensed, registered, certified and insurance you can lose the privilege of gun ownership. 

Lastly, there needs to be a national gun buyback, no questions, to get guns off the street.

If every health care professional has to go through much more than this to try and save lives, then gun owners should have to do it too.

Let's just try it,

Abby Jane

the calm by Ravi Zupa

water color wow

Maja Wronska. . . found here

pool side doodles

oooh, ahhh

oooh

i want to make these when i get home

i got a sweet lomi lomi massage today in maui at zensations. . . in was pretty lovey, i definitely learned a few new tricks i'm excited to try out when i get home

little lovelies

i want to get one of these prints for my NEW office!!!

it's going to be such a magical space

and i really like poet's row. . . 

Poet's Row "Exquisite Corpse" from Joshua LaBure on Vimeo.

maui wow

*a lot of this is hearsay i've noted where i heard it and plan on doing some research to see if it's all true*

my phone said it wasn't going to rain today.  it actually says it's not raining right now.  it is raining though.  just a sprinkle now but a few minutes ago, while i walked in from the car, it was raining buckets.  i was literally soaked through.  i guess this kind of rain is rare on Maui.  i wouldn't know this is my first time here.

my little sister and her 5-year-old son moved here in july with her boyfriend, he's a kite boarder on the GI bill and kahalui is a primo spot for the kite boarders.  my parents decided the holidays would be a great time to come visit and brought me and my six-year-old along so they can have some precious quality time with their grandsons.  

coming to Hawaii for the holidays isn't exactly new for us.  50 years ago my estute grandpa invested in what i've been told is the world's first time-share on Kauai.  grandpa was born on Honolulu and always loved Hawaii.  so for 2 weeks a year we have a place to stay on Kauai.  i've been there 5 times through out my 34 years.  

sissy's and my little dudes are 7 months apart.  (side note and for trivia later:  my sister and i are 7 years apart).  they get along like brothers:  so hugging and pushing.  like any loving relationship i guess.  they make each other laugh, they draw pictures of each other and sometimes they save the world.  they've saved the world three times now but they had to stop the 3rd time because they didn't have the boat they needed.  son of the gun, son of the gun (that's how my nephew says it).  they are often pushing each other as well, competing.  who did it faster?  who is stronger?  who is braver?

the park we went to today had THE most perfect tree for climbing.  it was a little banyan tree near a playground facing the ocean and surrounded by palm trees.  they could climb all the way to the top and sit in a basket of branches as a look out.  Two cute sun bleached blondes came to play in the tree and those boys claimed ownership and yelled those little girls out.  i intercepted and told those boys they didn't own the tree that it was the park's tree and they needed to be kind to the girls and share the magic tree.  you could tell they scared the girls and i told them if the boys weren't nice to them to come tell me and i'd take care of them.  this empowered the sweet little things and they began chasing those boys around and kissing them.  the boys ran and screamed, disgusting!  but after 15 minutes of this when the girls decided they wanted a break those silly guys came and asked for more.  

on reflection i shoulda, coulda handled that whole thing so many different ways and i doubt if i do anything right.  god knows i try my dammed best.

so yesterday, we woke up at 5 in the morning to take a snorkeling boat trip around the small island of Lana’i, which is 8 miles west of Maui.  my parents had planned and purchased this little outing before i had arrived.  it was an all day adventure.  i have to tell you a little something about myself, i'm not a huge fan of planned tourist herding.  being stuck with an itinerary that i didn't create, with a bunch of people i don't know, with no control of my own transportation and being at the mercy of the fearless and supposedly more knowledgeable stranger leader doesn't resonate very well with me.  hey, i am game, i can find magic everywhere and this thing can be great.  a nice relaxing boat ride and mom says they serve breakfast and lunch, some cool drinks, warm sun, some snorkeling with sea turtles, maybe see some whales. . . this will be lovely.

well at 6 am we pull up to our destination.  a dark parking lot with 3 full stinky dumpsters and an orange inflatable zodiac boat on the back of a black ford pickup truck.  this is not the ferry or yacht or catamaran or sailboat i was imagining.  just to remind you we are with a 5 and 6 year old who's swimming isn't at all strong and there has been a small boat advisory for around the islands all week.  my sister whispers to me that people get hurt on these kinds of boats, people fall off.   there are no bathrooms, there is no sunning deck, there weren't even seats for everyone.  they literally blew it up in the parking lot.

breakfast was served on a card table next to the truck.  it consisted of 4 oranges, a papaya and 1/2 a pineapple and the same granola bars we bought at Costco the day before.  i had a sinking feeling in my gut, this wasn't a good idea.  i was actually a tad scared, i said to my mom that this seems like a really bad idea, my son can barely swim.  i start feeling horrible for not getting him in lessons before this point. i didn't know what to do, my dad had just paid the man a small fortune and i'd bet any money we could have rented our own much nicer boat with crew for a few hours for that fee but i guess this shit was going down.  other people started trickling in.  mom, dad, 14-year-old son, 15-year-old daughter from Oshkosh Wisconsin.  mom, dad, 19 and 23 year old daughters from Nebraska (go huskers).  the 19 year old was a babe and collegiate cheerleader.  a young couple from the northwest and 2 other dudes that didn't talk much.  the captain and his first mate skipper.

we couldn't bring any of our stuff because there was no place to store it on the small rig.  no food or toys for the boys to play with, no watertight place so i left my phone and cameras in the rental car.  i only had my towel and my family to help me get through this.

they sized us up for flippers and loaded them on the boat and then loaded the boat in the water.  captain assured us he was a pro.  he passed the coast guard's test with ease and rescued someone from the water in 14 seconds breaking the record.  they've never needed to deploy life jackets while throwing in some humor, like this was his first time. . . ha ha, so funny.  this is going to be a fun adventure.  this is a bumpy wet ride and it'll take us an hour and a half to get there, so hold on for dear life.

the Nebraska family and young couple we on first and took 2 of the 3 rows of seats in the middle.  my parents grab the last row and so my sister and i had the boys between us along the starboard side of the boat, near the captain, where you sit on the rubber and hold on to the ropes.  we needed to keep both hands holding the ropes, one in front of you and one in back.  no bull riding rules here, use both your damn hands.

we start off, it's kind of fun the boys are looking at each other smiling then the waves and spray start splashing into the boat.  it's salt water in your face while bull riding.  we're going 35 knots.  you can't see, you can't think, all you can do is hold on and try to breathe.  my nephew got scared and starts to cry 10 minutes in.  grandpa grabs him and puts him between he and grandma in the row seat.  i ask my little Mexican Viking if he wants to go sit by grandma and grandpa but he replies stoically, wet blonde hair tussling in his face, he's fine.  i see the strength in his shoulder and back muscles as he holds onto the rope.  i told him his dad would be really proud of him. 

after some time he does move in with the grandparents but begins to look pallid.  he's seasick.  i say look up, don't look down buddy.  keep your eyes on the island.  his whole body affected by every wave and sway.  he doesn't look good at all and i'm afraid he's going to vomit up those 4 granola bars he mawed down for breakfast.  after some time his color is back.  he has recovered.

my nephew passes out cradled in grandma's arms.  he's curled up in the fetal position, water dripping off his face.  i've passed out in times of great stress too, it's a coping mechanism employed by children and animals.   we ride on.  

humpback whales appear twice as we motored towards Lana'i.  they weren't but 200 meters away.  spouting, tails high and breaching.  it is an amazing sight.  we were filled with renewed joy and energy.  it was exciting, but if your head was turned you could have missed the whole show.

a section of Lana'i is called shipwreck beach.  there are a few ships but the most memorable by far is the huge liberty ship made out of concrete from World War II.  it ran aground and since it was Lana'i, a barely populated island, they left it there to decay.  it's a huge towering behemoth, crumbling in the elements.  a decaying memorial to man's wasteful and warring nature.

a few miles up the coast we stopped again for our first chance to get in the water.  the boat was anchored and captain explained we could swim to shore.  it was a small cove of beautiful sandy beach surrounded by rocky outputs to both sides.  stage left is sacred Hawaiian rock, we are asked not to touch it or walk on it out of respect to the culture.  it really didn't seem very far.  he told us the beach has a special name, and he would tell us when we got back.  we weren't snorkeling just swimming.  my sister and i are strong swimmers and we decided to go.  the 19-year-old babe and the Oshkosh dad, sister and brother were our only cohorts.  first the dad and brother went, then me, my sister, and the daughter followed up by the babe.  

it's relevant you know i have a pretty huge phobia of sharks and when he kept the name of the beach i assumed it was most likely shark attack beach.   the angry sea was churning, there was zero visibility and swells were unrelenting.  i was coughing out mouthfuls of saltwater.  i was swimming for my goddamn life.  we made it to shore, breathlessly.  that was a work out.  we all gratefully made it.  we looked at each other, we looked at the boat, we agreed that wasn't any fun.  we walked around on the beach.  i mushed the sand between my toes over and over again.  it felt so good.  i felt the sun and wind on my face.  i tasted the salt.  we peed with our feet on the land.  i didn't want to linger, i saw the sea was calmer and i wanted to make my way back now that i'd caught my breath. 

i dove into the sea and swam straight to the boat.  it was faster and easier this time around, i knew what to expect.  i pulled myself up on the boat and dried off and hugged my boy.  Oshkosh mother was a wreck, she was nearly worried to death over her kids.  her daughter was struggling, but she had it, i knew she had it.  everyone had it.

so captain explained it is called egg beach, because it was a laying ground for sea turtles, but that's not the important part.  historically the beach had been a women's penal colony when Lahaina, Maui was a whaling town.  women of Maui who were caught doing punishable crimes, i can only think witch hunt sort of shit here, were shipped off and dumped in the water.  if they made it they lived there in seclusion.  supposedly a well was installed but that beach was essentially their unsupervised camp.  men's prison was an island away.  many years after this practice ceased when a proper jail was built in town and they went to pick up any survivors which were few.  i swam that same swim. 

another 40 minutes of bucking bronco riding later we would be at our first snorkel spot.  we arrived and anchored again.  there were some strong trade winds that day and the cove was very choppy.  again there were rocks to either side but no beach, just a cliff wall.  the waves were breaking huge to the northern most outcrop of rocks.  my boy did not want to go so my mom said she would go quick and then give me a turn for the snorkel.  my nephew is more experienced so he was set to go, but as soon as he got in he got really scared and wanted out.  i reached over the boat to pull him up, but he was only in a loose circle float around his waist and i struggled to pull the 55 pounds of soaked, wiggling, crying boy out of the water.  i succeeded but somewhere in the process i slipped and deeply bruised my left shinbone.

it wasn't long until my mom and dad returned and i entered the water with my sister.  sissy is also a tad scared of the mysterious ocean especially when it was murky and rough.  i was warned to avoid murky water if i wanted to keep safe from sharks.  we swam gripping hands, safety in numbers.  the water was about 25 feet deep and there were some very beautiful Technicolor fish but we didn't want to venture too far from the boat.  we made a loop around and got back in our dingy.

the boys began to adjust to our adventure.  they were getting more and more confident and relaxed now.  everyone was.  we were getting the hang of this.  it wasn't comfortable but it was an adventure.  next was some thrilling sight seeing.  our captain would go as fast as the boat would muster, weaving in and out of rocks showing us the cliffs and some of the ancient burial chambers in the lava tubes, which you could see were filled with rocks.  captain told us a person would be chosen to bury the fallen leader and would be dropped down the cliff with him and left to die, but it was a great honor because they would be reborn a king themselves.  

we saw spouts of water and dried up waterfalls.  it's a fairly dry island and really only fills up during flash floods but you can see the erosion caused by rain and how dramatic it is.  this island is melting back into the sea from wince she came.  there were 5 pillars that represented goddesses and they would canoe their women there because the water was supposedly good for fertility.  captain says the average Hawaiian family has 6 or 7 kids, so pretty sure it works, did any splash on us?  dear god i hope not.  i saw a school of flying fish for the first time.  i had the day before just finished reading The Old Man and the Sea for the first time in 20 years.  old Santiago had a lot to say about flying fish.

the waterspout is halfway to our next snorkel where we will have lunch.  we stop to take pictures with the splashing water as the backdrop then we are about to head out and the main engine won't start.  he tries what he knows and it won't start.  a fuse is blown, he replaces it, it trips immediately when he tries to start it.  this is an electrical issue.  is there any mechanic or electrician on the boat?  no. . . . ok, well we're just going to go at a very slow pace with the one small engine to our next desitnation and while we snorkel he'll figure it out, worst case senario we will take the ferry.  captain believes in being honest with us.  we cruise for a bit but it's really slow going.  captain decides to stop and try and fix it.  the sun is shining down on us sitting still and the boat only has a tiny bit of shade over the captain.  we're getting hot.  i jump in and relieve myself, even though my sister warned me that she's heard from several locals that peeing might draw sharks attention.  we start to get to know our new friends.  sports and weather are the safest conversation.  it's small talk.  

there is a yacht near by.  i see the 4 or 5 people on deck.  the scent of skunky dank weed wafts to us floating on our disabled raft.  i want to call to them. . . come take pity on us!  let us aboard.  let us cool off in your shade, splash fresh water on our faces.  have a toke of your herb.  listen to your sweet sweet music.  

the mechanic on the phone can't help.  we must make our way towards the ferry.  skipper lays out the lunch.  sandwiches, soda and pickles.  my boy and i share a sierra mist, oh it tastes like gold.  i didn't have much of an appetite for the meat sandwiches as i'm mostly vegetarian and the tuna made me want to barf.  i ate a bit of lettuce tomato sandwich and got another soda to share.  we all finished and still had a ways to go but civilization was in sight.  There was a huge yacht docked.  i can't remember who's it was but someone you've heard of.  it's a friend of Rupert Murdoch, who owns the island.  Murdoch's yacht has been docked here too recently captain tells us.

the captain's witty humor is featured again when he tells us we'll just go get ice cream up on that white shining beacon of a yacht ahead.  as we continue our arduous journey, i hear my son explain to his cousin that we are on the way to get ice cream on that white boat.  i tell him it was a just a joke.  he couldn't believe it.  ice cream is not a joking matter.  how could someone be so cruel?

a little history about Lana'i.  it used to be the #1 producer of pineapples in the entire world but some years ago the dole corporation sold the island to the Murdoch family.  they shut down the pineapple production and built a few very expensive resorts and golf course.  there is also a small native population that lives in the crater at the top of the island.  

puttering by the beaches of the resort i could see the tiny people enjoying the beach.  it felt a million miles away from where we were.  out of touch.  another time and space.  did they even see us?  what would they think?

on the other side of the rocks was a cove.  here was Rupert Murdoch’s yacht.  it was magnificent and beautiful.  There was also another yacht touring a group of snorkelers (i looked it up and it would have been 1/2 as much to take the yacht snorkel trip and there was booze on there!)   captain told us it was world class snorkeling.  he would work on the boat but worst-case scenario this is where the ferry comes from Maui.

the water was calm and clear.  both boys decided they wanted to come in the water.  my dude had a tough time with the salt water and didn't stay in long, but he tried and then cried.  i took him back to the boat and captain said we were just going to get on the ferry and the ferry was coming and if we didn't get on it we'd have to wait 2 hours.

my dad came back and said he'd stay with the boy so i jumped in.  it was so beautiful and clear and calm.  there were huge fish and a sea turtle.  i caught up with my family and i told them we needed to head back the ferry was coming.  we could have stayed there for at least an hour, it was so beautiful.  

it was surreal.  so beautiful, so rich, so magical and in the shadow of yacht and island of a pretty despicable man.  a Dali painting.  

everyone was really happy to get on dry land.  skipper was coming with us and they were paying for our ferry (since none of us had any of our belongings anyway, we wouldn't have been able to).  they would also arrange for us to have cabs to take us back to our cars and all our stuff that was locked in the truck.  most of the people waiting for the ferry were leaving the resort and a couple of locals.  while most of the resort goers went straight for the outdoor seating we went happily inside the main indoor deck.  we dropped our meager wet things and slumped into the seats.  the boys were asleep before we even left the dock.  

shortly into our journey back the boat veered to the left and the local woman sitting behind us said look! and pointed out the starboard side windows and a humpback jumped out of the water.  it was so close, we nearly had a run in with a whale.  it splashed back into his home.  the beautiful thing spouted a breath and i surrendered to sleep.  i dreamt immediately and spent the remainder of the time in the ether with one favorite people and some goats.  it was a very happy dream.

the ferry docked in Lahaina at Front Street, which we had just visited the night before.  there is a park in the town that holds the largest banyan tree in the United States.  it was planted in 1873 and it's canopy stretches over the entire acre of the park.  it is one tree that is 60 feet high with 16 trunks sprouting off the branches.  it's magical.  in the evening there is a cacophony of birds singing.  it's a joyful and beautiful sound.  

we got in the first cab, all wet and tired cruising through through the touristy town.  passing bubba gump's shrimp company, the hard rock cafe and chris ruth's steak house.  waylan's gallery, billabong store, the abc store and the sunglass hut.  

our adventure ended.  we were wobbly, tired, and sore.  we'd been knocked around since early in the morning and it was good to be heading home.  i ate and slept and grounded.  i started dreaming and wishing and planning what the rest of my trip will be like.  i have a week left here on the island.  

today i had breakfast with my family.  i found a magical little shop and got a few treasures.  i read a book i've wanted to read for years under a palm tree.  i went to a beach i've never been before and swam in the ocean with a boogie board, there weren’t many waves but gently being rocked was glorious.  i went to see anchorman 2 with my little sister and her man and laughed pretty hard and found a sexy new swimsuit that was 75% off.  

my hope to do list:  paint a picture, finish a book or 2, learn some lomi lomi, stand in a waterfall, shoot the rest of my roll of film, have a special adventure with my son, play some cribbage, make a new friend, and try to not set foot in chain stores.  oh and i get to go to Bill Mahr on the first so that's pretty exciting.   i will try and support local community as much as i can, i will try to be the change i want to see in the world.

it's been raining really hard off and on all night as i wrote this. . . now as i finish this, it's falling in buckets again. a really loud air raid siren sounds. there is nothing on the news i suspect it's a flash flood warning.  i wonder if the spirits of this island are trying to tell us something?  if nothing else, the torrential rain reminds me this island and experience are transient.  i must do my best to be conscious of intentions.  i will try and be present and enjoy these precious moments alive.