these words are everything (spells)

Listen to THIS too.

what's important?

I'm asking myself this today

When I asked my friend she said be calm, optimistic and proactive. Letting go of fear. 

My paternal grandparents met in England during World War II in England at a dance. My grandma Barbara Ann was born in Bromley Kent. She wanted out of there. There were bombings. She told me she didn't care if it was a Canadian or an American, who ever would get her out. Walter George Palmer really fell for her. South Dakota wasn't as romantic as Hollywood had made the Wild West in the cowboy flicks. She couldn't even buy a dress she loved. She didn't know why she kept having babies. I remember one day I was talking about finding "the one" and my Grandma said it was probably too late for her. Walt loved her very good though. Then she said she mean. She could be very Queen of Swords. Words cut. Like swords.

You know the story of the Keep Calm Carry on poster? My Grandma never mentioned it but she saw it. She would have seen it. It was war propaganda from the British government from 1939.  They were getting bombed but the message from state was keep calm, carry on. I can't help but thinking of it today. Out in the world. The energy is less than calm. It's hard to find the calm, but this isn't as bad as getting bombed right?! That's what my Grandma lived through.

Today I will work on cultivating my day dreaming practice. What do I want? What feels important? What does self care look like? What stories are we writing? Are we breathing?

tripping

For Christmas 2000 we went to Kauai. My Grandpa got a time share in Kapaa. We had 2 rooms for 1 week a year and we inherited it when he passed. We would go for Christmas sometimes and Aric came with us. My Dad was not happy, he threatened to have the boys sleep in one room and the girls in another but ended up having me and Aric stay in a room with my sister. I asked my sister about if she remembered and she said, "Ya that was weird trip. I just remember kissing noises." Ha!

I had gone to the Northwest first for a few days and then flown with my family from Portland. Aric was going to meet us there. He payed so much for a flight. It stressed him out. He parked in the regular garage at the Airport and that was hundreds of dollars too.

When we found Aric at the airport

I had completely forgotten but I wrote: "Aric got lost on the way to Kauai because he missed his flight out of LAX because of fog. It was crazy. On te 26th we found Aric then went boogie boarding."

It was before cell phones really and so we couldn't call each other, it was a stressful beginning to the trip. We had to just keep going to the airport when a flight from LAX came in.

After snorkling. I love how happy Aric looks.

12/27

"We went to Salt Pond Park and Snorkel + looked at fishes. The salt water stings my eyes. We saw big fishes and small fishes and those long fishes. And Aric is being Stupid. We were all supposed to go on a sunset cruise but something got fucked up so we've been sitting around arguing. Must be the oxygen or something."

December 30 "Yesterday we went on the Nae Pali - sunset cruise. It was fun but Aric + I fought about nothing in particular. That was lame."

010101

"It's New Years Yeah! Today I'm starting morning pages. Last night Mom, Dad, Mara + Mighty + I went to the Flying Lobster. We had a nice dinner + came home. Just chilled. No Mighty drank a bunch of Wine + Champagne. Enough to get drunk. me and Mara didn't. Then we hop scotched into a discussion of religion. Lame. Mighty told me his beliefs --> No god --> energy --> he doesn't know --> but people shared his beliefs and I --> fuck upedly said "Who heroin addicts?" Who am I to use that world. I don't even know what that means. he said an hour later after standing at the edge of "his sea" Anyway it's all worked out now. I don't know if it'll work. I don't know. Sometimes he is so distant + cold but he doesn't remember that part. We'll figure it out I think. . . . . Aric is being really Ugh right now. He's fake smiling. Like I can't tell when he's fake smiling."

 Aric yelling into "his ocean" on NYE

NYE

I didn't keep up with morning pages. I did it for a couple of days. I also wrote about how fat i was every day. It's like an annoying broken record and I wasn't even fat. I told a friend, who knew us then, and she was like of course, he was small. I never thought how I compared myself to him. 

I honestly didn't remember much from that trip. I think Aric was pretty uncomfortable being with my family. I was too. 

sick day

Stayed home with the kid today cause he was sick. . . I really hope I don't get it.

A tummy bug. The last time I had a that was in 2002. I was working at Starbucks and I came in and they said, "You look bad, go home." and I did. I was so sick, I felt like dying.  It was a Tuesday and Aric was putting the paper to bed. He worked at the Onion and Tuesdays were the day they sent everything to the printer. He came and brought me supplies, even though it was hard to get away. Tuesdays were late days and if anything went wrong it would could be a long night.

9/11 was a Tuesday too. I remember watching the news waiting for Aric to get home from work.

engaged

Growing up my mom had a very clear life plan for me. Finish school, go to college, get married and have kids if I want to. She would have me repeat that all the time. So when I moved in with Aric I made it pretty clear I wanted to get married. It's the plan.

Aric and I got engaged on Christmas of 2003. It wasn't a grand proposal. After we open presents he went to the back room and brought out the ring. I had picked it out and I honestly don't remember if he said anything at all, I think he just handed it to me and I knew what that meant.

I wrote "Got engaged! Yup-Aric got me a beautiful ring for Christmas. he's such a doll. Boys are boys that's for sure."  

I was 23. Such a baby. . . I wonder what I meant by boys are boys. I was following the plan. I loved him so you get married. Aric made me laugh and was so smart. He was worldly to me. He introduced me to so much. So much art and so many new kinds of foods. So many firsts with him.

Another sidenote from Aric last year. I notice now it doesn't say anything about his heart though. . .

Often I would just think about him and then he'd start messaging me. I barely engaged in conversation recently because it was all over the place. He'd be ranting about guns or how he didn't give me aids or how he wasn't my kid's dad. Talking about swarms and dying. Everything was the worst. Everything hurt. Life was a prison. Pain, pain, pain. I'd respond with happy little quotes or a suicide hotline but I didn't even really read them. Oh it's 3:30am, he's fucked up. There's a bunch of jibber jabber not even words.

Over all those many years, in hindsight, no one ever loved me more and I didn't really listen to him. I did the best I could with what I knew but it wasn't great.

sleepy full moon

i had such a busy day, i'm so tired. there's a really fun party and i don't think i have the energy. 

i found my the next journal that documented the end of Aric's and my relationship. 

spring wellness

Happy day light savings. It felt like Spring today. It's amazing how much difference a little Vitamin D can make. I also took some Happy Camper Pills and that never hurts.

It's Saturday night and I'm staying home to Spring clean and I'm making Vegan Pozole. 

I was rereading one of my favorite reference books Staying Healthy with the Seasons. It's from a Traditional Chinese Medicine tradition and how to use this ancient knowledge to build our wellness. I'm also studying Quantum Shiatsu right now, which works with the meridians, so it's a good practice for me.

The element for Spring is Wood. The organs (and meridians) associated with the Wood element are Liver and Gallbladder. The direction is east, where the sun comes up and starts the day. The time of the day is morning, so if you are having a hard time rising you might have a Wood imbalance. I think we all know the Liver helps us detoxify and it makes the bile that is held in the Gallbladder. Bile breaks down fats so not eating a lot of fatty food can support Gallbladder. Doing a cleanse of some sort can help Liver. The Master Cleanse works really well for me but even just laying of chemical foods for a while and eating whole foods can support your Liver. Just like Spring Cleaning is good for the house, it's good for your body too. Fasting is good for you:

watch this if you don't believe me

Mental processes are associated with Spring and Wood in TCM. So over thinking or trying to control everything you might indicate an imbalance. Great time for starting a mindfulness or meditation practice. I've been meditating to every night with the app Insight Timer. 

✌